


Staying in Seattle

by MadAboutGrey



Category: Grey’s Anatomy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:02:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26684848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadAboutGrey/pseuds/MadAboutGrey
Summary: The long awaited sequel fro Back To Seattle. Please read that one first!
Relationships: Meredith Grey/Derek Shepherd
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

**What’s broken can be mended, what’s hurt can be healed. No matter how hard it gets, the sun is going to rise again.**

* * *

“Meredith,” he breathed out softly, pushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear as he studied the obvious shock on her face, clearly not meaning to have let the words escape her. 

“I’m sorry, shit,” she pulled away from him off the couch, pacing as she tried to not run but so desperately wanted to run. 

He kept his eyes on her as he stood up from the couch, approaching her cautiously with his hand held out to her. He smiled softly as she took his hand and he gently pulled her close against him, his lips pressing against her forehead before looking into her eyes again, “I love you, Meredith.”

“I need to, uhm…” her voice trailed off and his brow furrowed in confusion as she pulled away from him and headed over to his front door, opening it. He followed behind her and found her picking her bag up off the floor. “I need to be up early, for my Mom.”

He leaned against the doorframe with his arms crossed, watching her with his regular charming smile, “Okay.”

He continued to stand in the same position as she went inside her condo, closing the door behind her. No more than 30 seconds later she reappeared at the door and he raised an eyebrow at her. “Can I stay with you?” She asked, catching her lower lip between her teeth. 

He moved to stand in front of her, pressing a soft kiss to her lips a moment, caressing her cheek with his fingers as he pulled back, “Get ready for bed, I’ll be right over.”

“Okay,” she whispered softly, a small smile on her lips. 

Not long after, Derek was lay in Meredith’s bed, her head resting on his chest as he had one arm wrapped around her waist. She held his free hand on his abdomen, examining his fingers one by one as they lay together. His arm around her adjusted so that his fingers could play with strands of her hair as he spoke softly, “Get some sleep, it’s been a long day.”

She looked up at him with a small smile, “Thank you, for everything.”

“I’d do anything for you, Meredith,” he smiled back at her, lowering his lips to press against her the top of her head.

“I feel free again,” she murmured softly, slowly linking their fingers together in a gentle squeeze, “He can’t hurt me anymore.”

“I won’t let anyone hurt you again,” he released her hand as he spoke, moving both arms around her and pulling her closer, so that they were laying side by side with their noses barely touching, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she murmured softly as she pressed her lips against his in a gentle kiss. 

* * *

An incessant ringing noise woke her, the sun barely breaking through the small gap in her curtains, indicating it was far too early for her to be awake, earlier than she needed to be. 

She rolled over, away from Derek and toward the noise coming from her phone on the night stand, she now realised, and reached out to the glaring light on the beside table, grabbing the phone. 

She answered without checking the caller ID, her voice still thick with sleep as she spoke, “Hello?”

_“Meredith, it’s Richard. Sorry to wake you. Your mother is asking for you, she’s rather agitated and refuses to let anyone near her until you get here.”_

She felt Derek’s arms circle her waist as she listened to Richard, and she furrowed her brow as she responded, “It’s not even six am…” a soft groan left her lips and she ran her hand over face in frustration, “I’m up now. I’ll be there soon.”

_“Thank you, Meredith.”_

She didn’t respond and just disconnected the call. They’d only been asleep for four hours at the most and she was knackered. Derek’s lips pressed against the back of her shoulder slightly when she dropped the phone on to the mattress, murmuring softly, “What’s wrong? Where are we going?”

She turned in his arms, pressing a short kiss to his lips before answering both of his questions, “Ellis has requested my presence or else she won’t let anyone see to her. I’m going to the hospital; you can stay here and sleep.”

“What time is it?” He asked, tightening his hold on her slightly as he kissed her again, bringing a tired smile to her lips. 

“Just after half-five,” she told him, watching his eyes open to look at her.

“Hmm, I’ll come with you,” he decided but made no attempt to move, only holding her closer and burying his face into her neck, “You left your car at the hospital anyway, remember?”

“Oh, crap, yeah,” she murmured, and a soft giggle escaped her lips as he pressed soft playful kisses on her neck, “We need to get up then.”

He groaned softly as he pulled his head back to look at her again, but kept his hold around her, “I suppose that would help, wouldn’t it?” He pressed a final kiss to her lips before reluctantly releasing his hold on her waist and rolling over on to his back. 

She laughed softly again as she climbed out of bed, covering her mouth as she yawned and switched the lights in the room on, keeping them dim in the room. She could hear his movements as he climbed out of the bed himself while she grabbed some clothes from her dresser, throwing them on to the bed. 

“I’ll just go to mine and get ready. How long do you need?” He asked as he came up beside her. 

She turned to look at him, a grin spreading across her face at his bed hair and she reached up to run her fingers through it as she spoke, “Twenty minutes.”

“That’ll give me enough time to sort this out then,” he chuckled softly referring to his hair, his arm sliding around her waist as he pressed a soft kiss to her lips, her hand still in his hair. 

She pressed her lips back against his, returning the kiss with a slight eagerness as she slid her arm over his shoulder. Their lips stayed connected with a lustrous need as he backed her up slowly against the dresser, his body pressing a slight pressure against her eliciting a soft moan from Meredith. The hand she held in his hair dropped to his shoulder, gently gripping the T-shirt he’d slept in as his hands moved to gently grip her waist. 

Breathlessly, his lips pulled back from the kiss, but he kept his forehead gently touching hers as he spoke quietly, “We’ll continue this later.”

“Okay,” her voice was barely above a whisper and she bit her lip gently, her eyes lowering a little as she felt a surprising weight of disappointment in her stomach. And then she felt guilty because she needed to get to the hospital. 

He placed a finger under her chin and lifted her face so that he was looking into her eyes again before pressing a gentle kiss to her lips, “I love you. We’ll take this at your pace, I promise. Right now, we need to get to the hospital.”

She nodded with a small smile, “I know”

“See you in twenty,” he flashed her a quick grin and before she knew it, he had left her room to go back to his own condo across the way and she was left alone to get ready.

* * *

Derek dropped Meredith at the front of the hospital so he could go and park his car, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze before she left and promising to come find her once the car was parked. She made her way through the halls of the hospital and she had a strange sense of freedom, knowing that she didn’t need to be as scared anymore. She could actually start living her life now.

Her thoughts were interrupted as she headed down the hall to her mother’s hospital room, hearing slight commotion. Richard stood outside looking quite forlorn, but was happy to see her when she approached, “Meredith! You’re here.”

“Richard, what on earth is going on?” She could hear her mother’s raised voice coming from the room but couldn’t make out exactly what was being said.

“The nurse went in at half-four, Ellis had woken up distressed and was asking for you, she said she had to speak to you and wouldn’t let us give her any medication or see to her. We need your permission, as power of attorney, to sedate her, to give her the medication,” she cut him off at this point.

“Don’t, no, don’t do that. She just wants to see me, I’ll go in,” Meredith explained, taking a breath. Her mother wasn’t lucid but demanding to see her. It could be anything. Maybe she’s rehashing an old argument from the past. 

“Tell Derek what’s going on when he gets here,” she said to Richard, who only looked confused but she didn’t bother to explain.

She went into her mother’s room and turned to the nurse who was in there, still trying to reason with Ellis. Meredith sent her out of the room and turned to her mother, “Mom, I’m here, what’s wrong?”

“Meredith!” she exclaimed, ushering Meredith closer, “Oh, Meredith, come here,” she held her hand out and Meredith took it, cautiously, sitting on the bed with her.

“Mom, what’s going on?” Meredith furrowed her brow, concerned by her mother’s erratic behaviour.

“You need to know, you need to come home, leave him,” Ellis insisted, her grip tightening on Meredith’s hand, “I know these kinds of men, I know what they’re like, I’ve seen what he’s like. Please, please come home. There’s a place in the residency programme in Seattle waiting for you.”

Meredith’s face fell at her mother’s words, “I’m here, I’m home.”

“Stay here, don’t go back to Boston,” her mother pleaded.

“I’m not going anywhere, I’m here,” she murmured, wrapping her arms around her mother as she brought her into a close embrace, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I left, I’m here now.”

She could feel the tears running down her cheek silently as her mother hugged her back, “I just want you safe, Meredith.”

“I’m safe, I’m safe,” her hand rubbed her mother’s back comfortingly, “I’m home, Mommy,” she muttered and felt Ellis relax in her hold, “I’m safe now.”

She slowly released her mother and helped her lay back in the bed. Before she could pull away, Ellis’ hand touched Meredith’s cheek, “You need to eat something, Meredith.”

“I will, I’ll go eat. Please let the nurses take care of you. I’ll be back,” she reassured her mother, who lay back and dropped her hand from Meredith’s face. She gave her one last look before turning around, wiping at the tears on her face before leaving the room. 

She looked to the nurse as she left the room, “You can go in, she’s okay now. She’s okay.” 

She turned to find Derek leaning against the workstation and he gave her a warm smile as she walked over to him. Before she could speak to him, Richard intercepted touching her arm and making her jump out of her skin.

Derek stood straight and moved over, seeing Meredith in distress. Richard spoke, “Oh, sorry, I just wanted to check…”

“She’s fine, Richard. I need, I need to go,” Meredith could feel her hands shaking slightly and she turned away from the both of them to head down the hallway. She could feel her breaths coming heavier but she couldn’t slow down. She made her way to her office, thankful Cristina wasn’t in there. 

She sat on the couch, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees as she tried to calm her breathing. She didn’t hear the door opening and didn’t realise Derek had joined her in the room until he had touched her shoulder and she overreacted, jumping up off the couch, sobs finally breaking through the silent tears that had been falling.

“Hey, Meredith, it’s just me,” he stood up, undeterred by her reaction, and wrapped his arms around her holding her close and stroking his hand over her hair, “Come here, it’s just me.”

She let him hold her close, her face buried against his chest as he sat them back down on the couch, holding her as he let her cry it out. His hand gently rubbed her back and shoulder as he tried to comfort her.

As she started to calm down, she found his hand with her own, holding it tight as she looked up at him, talking quietly with a rasp to her voice, “I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” he reassured her, pressing a kiss against her forehead.

“I need to eat, I told her I’d go and eat and then go back,” she murmured, resting her head on his shoulder.

“We can go get some breakfast,” he suggested, playing with her hair, “how about that place just down the road?”

“I don’t think I’ve been there, I mean it’s very likely that I haven’t been there,” she said with a short laugh. 

“They make good pancakes,” he said with a slight shrug, “I also would like to make sure you eat something.”

“Okay,” she said with a soft smile as she sat up and looked at him, her next words seemingly coming out of the blue, “I have this urge to run from you, from us. But I’m trying. I really am.”

“Hey,” he said softly, taking her hand in his with a gentle squeeze, “I know, and like I said this morning, we’ll do this at your pace. I understand, and I don’t want you to be uncomfortable. Now let’s go get some breakfast.”

  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**There’s an end to every storm. Once all the trees have been uprooted. Once all the houses have been ripped apart. The wind will hush, the clouds will part, the rain will stop, the sky will clear in an instant. But only then, in those quiet moments after the storm, do we learn who was strong enough to survive it.**

* * *

Meredith had decided to spend the day she had off with her mother while Derek ended being pulled in on an emergency surgery. Her mother had slept the majority of the time she was there before being transferred back to Roseridge that evening. 

She now found herself roaming the hallways while she waited for Derek to finish since they had come in together that morning in his car, and was on her way to go and watch his surgery finish up, until she was spotted by the red-head known as Addison. 

“Meredith! Can we talk?” She asked, almost reaching for Meredith’s arm before clearly deciding against doing this. 

“Why? What do you want to talk about?” Meredith asked, her brow furrowed in confusion. Why would her ex-husband’s mistress possibly want to talk to her?

“I- I want to apologise to you,” Addison said in a quiet voice, looking down a little, “Can we go somewhere more private?”

“Oh, uhm, okay,” Meredith said with a nod, looking around to see where they could go, “Maybe we could grab a coffee? If you have time.”

“Yeah, I have time now,” Addison said with a small smile, gesturing for Meredith to lead the way. 

They walked beside each other to the canteen, and Meredith found herself anxiously fidgeting with her fingers as they walked, not sure exactly what it is Addison wanted to apologise for, or if she had anything more to say. They each ordered their drinks and sat in the far corner of the room, opposite each other. 

“I wanted to apologise,” Addison spoke first, her hands circling the coffee cup in front of her as she spoke, “I didn’t believe… I mean, I took his word for it. The things he said, and I didn’t realise what he was doing to you.”

“Oh, uhm,” Meredith looked down at her coffee, feeling her emotions starting to well up but she pushed them down.

“And I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I didn’t believe you, and I’m sorry that he did those things to you, that he treated you like that,” she said, reaching across the table to touch Meredith’s arm in what she hoped was a comforting manner, but Meredith’s arm quickly retreated back under the table. 

“It’s not your fault,” Meredith said as she shook her head and took a sip of her coffee. 

“I said things that I shouldn’t have said, and i just wanted you to know that I regret my actions and my part in it all,” Addison said with a small smile.

“I know, he is a believable man, I don’t blame you,” Meredith assured her, returning her small smile as she continued to drink her coffee, checking the time on her phone and realising Derek’s surgery should be finishing by now.

“I just hope things aren’t awkward between us at all,” Addison admitted, taking a drink of her coffee also. 

“Look, Addison, we aren’t going to be best friends but I have no ill will towards you if that’s what you’re asking, I have a lot on my mind and I don’t need your guilt added onto that, okay?” Meredith let out all in one breath, exasperated with the whole conversation as she stood up, drink in hand, “I’ve had a long day and a long weekend and I just want to go home. I’ll see you around.”

Before Addison could respond, Meredith had walked out of the cafeteria and wasn’t sure if she was upset or angry, but she found herself blinking away tears as she walked through the hospital. She found herself outside of Derek’s office, trying to open the locked door which just seemed to infuriate her more. She could feel the anger rising inside her as her breaths became quicker and she groaned out loudly in frustration. 

“Meredith?” She hardly heard Mark’s voice as he came down the hallway towards her, noticing her distressed state as she leaned forward against the door, sobbing now. 

“Come on, with me,” he murmured softly as his arm moved around her and he led her down the hallway to his own office, sitting down on the couch with her. 

She turned into him, sobbing against his chest as he held her, allowing her to let it all out. He managed to send a message to Derek with one hand to have him meet them there, hearing inaudible murmurs from Meredith. 

“Shh, it’s okay, Mer,” he whispered, his hand rubbing up and down her back as she continued to cry against him, seemingly unable to calm herself. 

Not long after, Derek entered the office having received Mark’s urgent message and upon seeing Meredith rushed to her other side. Mark gently moved Meredith into his hold, and realising it was now Derek holding her she clung on to his scrub top, letting his arms envelope her as she started to calm down into a sleep, having tired herself out. 

“What happened?” Derek asked Mark, in a soft voice as to not disturb Meredith as his hand rubbed up and down her back, her body curled up against his side on the sofa. 

“I don’t know, she was trying to get into your office and the door was locked and she broke down, like it was just all too much,” Mark said, running his hand through his hair as he crossed the room, “I just took her straight in here before anyone else saw.”

“Thank you,” Derek said in a soft murmur. 

“Stay here as long as she needs, I’m going into surgery,” Mark said to him. 

“Okay, thanks, Mark,” Derek said, not keeping his eyes off Meredith as she slept against him. 

“No problem,” Mark said before leaving the room, closing the door behind him. 

Derek shuffled back on the couch, getting more comfortable as he let Meredith sleep against him, her hands still clutching at his top in her sleep. He felt helpless. He didn’t know what he could do to make her feel better. So, he just held her, his fingers running through her hair, hoping that this was enough, that this was helping her.

* * *

The first thing she thought when she woke was how sore her throat was, and she lifted her hand to cover her mouth as she coughed a little before rubbing at her also sore eyes. Then she realised she was laying on top of someone, on top of Derek. Her eyes opened and she looked up to him to find him looking back down at her. 

“Hey,” he murmured softly, gently pushing her hair behind her ear and out of her face, “How are you feeling?”

“Awful…” she murmured as she sat up on the couch, looking around, “Why are we in Mark’s office?”

She looked to him with a frown, only to be met by a slight look of pity from him. 

“What’s the last thing you remember?” He asked, his hand taking hers in his with a gentle squeeze. 

“The cafeteria… and I was looking for you, the door was locked and oh,” her expression dropped as she started to recall, “Mark, he brought me here. I fell asleep?”

“Only for just over an hour,” he told her, watching her carefully as she stood up off the couch, straightening out her clothes, “There’s no rush to go.”

“I want to go, I need to go home,” she muttered, her arms crossing around herself, “Please, take me home.”

“Okay, let me grab my things and we can go,” he said to her, getting up off the couch himself and walking with her to his office to change and grab his things. 

“I’ll wait here,” she said, leaning against the wall beside the door, seemingly deep in thought. 

“Okay, I’ll be right out,” he said, pressing a kiss to her forehead before going inside and quickly changing, grabbing his bag and making sure he had everything. 

When he went back outside the office, he locked the door behind him before turning back to Meredith.

“Let’s go home,” he said to her, offering his hand. 

She looked at his outstretched hand a moment before shaking her head slightly and walking ahead of him, leading the way out to the car park. He felt a slight pang of rejection in his chest but he knew he couldn’t push her.

* * *

“I don’t think I can do this,” Meredith said, almost whispering as they stood in the hallway between the entrances to their respective condos. 

“What do you mean?” He asked, watching her carefully. 

“This,” she said, a little louder now as she gestured between the two of them, “It’s too much, I rely on you too much and it isn’t fair on you and I have all these things I have to sort out, and you deserve so much more. So much better.”

“Meredith, no,” he said, furrowing his brow, “I want to be here, I want to help.”

“You can’t fix me,” she said, her eyes starting to water again and she wiped at them with the back of her hand before pulling her keys out, turning away from him to unlock her front door. 

“That’s not what I mean, Meredith,” he said with a sigh, his hand running through his hair, “I care about you, a lot. If you want space then I can give you space, that’s okay.”

“Then please, give me space, I need to be alone, I’m sorry,” she said, opening her door and going inside, closing herself in and leaving him out in the hall. 

She dumped her coat on the back of the couch with her keys and went straight up to bed, stripping off her clothes before climbing in and clutching the sheets around her, only her phone with her. She quickly typed an email to Richard, effectively calling in sick for the week ahead. She didn’t want to leave her bed. She wanted to shut the world out, and she wanted everyone to leave her be. She had the sudden urge to need to grieve. Her past life, her past marriage, the life slipping through her mother’s fingers. She just needed time. 


	3. Chapter 3

**The problem is, fairy tales don't come true, it's the nightmares that always seem to become the reality.**

* * *

She woke to a soft crying coming over the baby monitor that sat on the side table next to the bed, Derek's arm draped over her middle in the same position they had been when they fell asleep.

She carefully moved herself out of his hold as he started to stir, hearing the soft whimpering himself and feeling Meredith's movements as she climbed out of the bed.

"I got him," she murmured, pressed a kiss to Derek's forehead before climbing out of the bed, pulling her robe on and going through to the nursery across the hall.

She found their baby crying softly on his back in the crib, and she gave him a small smile as she leaned to lift him up into her arms, holding him close against her chest as she rubbed his back soothingly.

"Shh, baby, Mommy's here," she murmured softly as he started to calm in her hold, snuggling against her chest and into her familiar warmth.

She bounced him gently to try and get him back to sleep, turning to head back to the bedroom with him, but finding Derek leaning against the doorframe to the nursery, watching them with a soft grin on his face.

"Go back to bed, he's okay," she said with a smile back to him.

"I love watching you with him," he said, leaning to press a soft kiss against her lips and then press one against the top of the baby's head.

"I know, but you have work soon," she said with a soft laugh, "and you were up late with him last night while I slept, he probably wants feeding."

"I'll be fine," he said, leading through into the living room, grabbing a clean muslin cloth and laying it over her shoulder as he sat beside her on the couch, just as a loud knock sounded on the door.

Meredith furrowed her brow, the noise startling the baby in her arms who was just about ready settled to feed and began crying again. "What the hell?" She muttered, trying to calm the baby down once more.

"I've got it," Derek grumbled, annoyed at the intrusion and upsetting of his son, heading to open the front door that was just in Meredith's eye line.

When Derek opened the door, a loud bang sounded as she saw him fall immediately to the floor, a stab ripping through her chest at the sight.

"Derek!" She called out, clutching the baby closer to her, protectively, as he cried harder now.

She stood from the couch as a figure entered their home, backing herself toward the bedroom as she saw the face. That face. The one that haunted her nightmares.

"No! Leave us! Leave us alone!" She shouted, but it was as though he couldn't hear her. She could feel the wetness of the tears falling down her face as she took the baby into the nursery, closing the door and managing to move a chair behind it before cowering in the corner of the room.

She held her baby, still crying, against her close as she cried herself, listening to his voice carry through into the room.

"Meredith, you can't hide from me, Meredith. I'll find you. I'll kill you for what you did to me, Meredith."

She was crying harder now as the door flung open with ease, and all of a sudden the baby she had been holding had disappeared, leaving her clutching the small blanket he had been wrapped in.

"No! Where's my baby? What did you do?! Leave us alone!" She cried out, clutching the blanket against her chest as she curled up, rocking back and forth.

* * *

"Meredith, Meredith…" she heard the voice speaking as she continued to cry.

Feeling arms tightening around her she started to lash out, pushing whoever it was away.

"No! Get away! Go away!"

"Meredith!"

Her eyes snapped open, her vision blurred by the tears but she instantly recognised the face. Derek. He was there. He was safe. Alive. She couldn't speak, breathing heavily and her heart racing from the adrenaline of her nightmare.

"Meredith? Hey, it's me," he whispered, brushing her hair out of her face.

Coming out of her state of shock she practically launched herself at him and his arms went immediately around her as she sobbed against his chest, clutching on to his pyjama shirt.

"You're okay now, you're safe…" he murmured softly into her hair as his hand rubbed her back, keeping her close against him.

Her sobs started to fade as he continued to comfort her and he just about heard her mumble, "You're here."

"I'm here, I could hear you across the hall," he explained, still keeping a tight hold on her body as he lay in her bed with her, "Do you want me to go?"

"No, no, stay, please," she spoke quietly, her voice slightly hoarse from crying as she tried to steady her breathing.

They lay in silence, in the darkness, neither letting go of the other as Derek tried to comfort her and she clung on to him for dear life.

"He killed you," she murmured, and he almost missed what she said, unsure what she meant.

"I'm here, I'm okay," he said, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

She shook her head and pulled her head back to look at him, laying it on the pillow so that they were facing each other.

"I have these nightmares, he shows up and… and you were there, tonight," she choked up a little as she tried to talk about it.

"He can't hurt you anymore, Meredith, I promise you," he murmured softly, pulling her closer toward him with his arms around her waist, "He's not going to hurt you and he definitely isn't going to hurt me, I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

"Meredith?" He asked in a soft voice as he felt her starting to wake a little in his arms.

"Hmm?" She murmured, her eyes still closed as she stayed buried against him.

"It's almost time to get going, for work," he said, his fingers running over her hair as he held her close.

"No, emailed Richard," she grumbled, stretching a little as she turned in his arms to face away from him.

"Okay, I have to go, are you going to be okay if I leave?" He asked, watching her with a slight furrow in his brow. If anything, Meredith threw herself into work as a distraction, and didn't even call in sick when she'd been hurting the most.

"I'll be fine," she murmured against the pillow she had grabbed and held against herself.

"I'll check up on you later, okay?" He said, sitting up in the bed as he watched her a moment, not really wanting to leave her like this.

"You don't have to," she murmured again, not looking at him.

"I know, but I want to," he said, leaning forward to press a kiss to her forehead before climbing out of the bed, "Call me if you need anything."

She grumbled a response which sounded like an understanding that she had heard him, and his gaze lingered on her a moment longer before he left the room, making his way back to his own place to get ready for work. He just hoped she would let him in soon so he could try and help her, or get her the help she needed.

* * *

As soon as she heard the door close behind him, she turned onto her back, throwing the pillow she'd clutched onto previously across the room. She could feel the tears falling freely down her cheeks now. She hated feeling like this. He was gone. He wasn't here. He couldn't hurt her. But she still felt scared, she felt angry. But at the same time, she felt nothing at all. She felt numb.

All she wanted to do was to lay in the bed, undisturbed. She didn't even want to go into work and was glad she'd had the sense to send the message to Richard last night.

She hadn't even slept properly after the nightmare. She'd been grateful for Derek's presence, and she'd had a light sleep of a couple hours, maybe, but it was almost like her body was scared to fall asleep properly again. She dragged herself out of the bed and pulled off the clothes she'd fallen asleep in the previous night, standing in front of the mirror, almost half expecting to see the bruises on her skin she'd gotten so familiar with. Her fingers traced the invisible scars, a soft breath escaping her lips as she did so, an almost involuntary wince.

She shook the thoughts out of her head as she went into the bathroom, turning the water on hot in the shower and stepping under the water, letting it burn against her skin. The feeling relieved her, actually feeling the physical touch of the water hitting her skin was almost reminding her she could feel something. She went through the motions of showering, not really thinking about what she was doing and must've been rinsing under the water for a while because the next thing she knew, the water had gone cold as a slight sob escaped her lips.

She turned the water off, running her hand over her face before climbing out and wrapping a towel around herself, going back into the bedroom to dry off and dressing into a clean pair of sweats and a jumper. She felt useless. She didn't know what to do. She couldn't go to work. She couldn't break down in front of everyone, not again. They'd seen too much of her mess and that had to stop.

She took herself down to the kitchen and looked through the cupboards, not finding an appetite for anything they held and gave up on that mission. She grabbed a bottle of water and sat herself on the couch, covering herself with a blanket and turning the tv on to a random channel, not that she planned to pay attention to it.

She could do this. She just had to give it a few days, and she'd be okay. She could just get on with her life, move on, even be happy, she hoped. She needed some time alone to get herself together and she'd be okay. At least, okay enough.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thanks everyone for your reviews and kind words so far! I’m so glad you’re all enjoying this so far! The chapters are a lot shorter this time but it will worker better with how this story will work. Italics are flashbacks!**

* * *

**Pain. You just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own. Hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it, hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain. You just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it... And life always makes more.**

* * *

A knocking on the door startled her awake from where she had fallen asleep on the couch, for a moment not even remembering falling asleep there. She heard another knock on the door and Derek’s voice calling her name. She groaned softly as she got up off the couch, wrapping the blanket around herself as she answered the door. 

“Don’t you have a key?” She asked as she saw him standing there, carrier bags in his hands. 

“Yes, but I didn’t want to just walk in and scare you. I was close to using it though,” he said as he walked through into her kitchen, putting the bags on the counter, “You haven’t answered your phone all day.”

“Oh, it’s erm, upstairs I guess,” she said with a shrug, sitting on one of the stools. 

“How are you feeling?” He asked as he started putting things away in the cupboards, the fridge, the freezer. 

“I’m fine,” she murmured, her chin resting in her palm, propped up by her elbow on the table. 

“Are you coming back into work tomorrow?” He asked next, standing on the opposite side of the island she sat at, watching her. 

“Probably not,” she admitted, meeting his eyes but dropping her gaze again when she saw his concern for her. 

“Have you eaten anything today?” He asked moving to stand beside her, closer to her. 

“You ask a lot of questions,” she pointed out, avoiding his question as she got off the stool and went back to her spot on the couch. 

“I’m trying to help you, Meredith,” he said, being patient with her as he joined her in the living room, sitting on the opposite end of the couch, facing her. 

“I know, I’m sorry,” she said, lowering her forehead against her knees, her arms wrapped around her legs over the blanket. 

“I’m going to cook you some dinner. At least try and eat some of it,” he said as he stood up, running his fingers over the single plait in her hair, “Is there anything in particular you want?”

“No, but I’ll try,” she said in a soft voice, trying to hide her wince as his fingers ran over her hair, looking up at him and taking his hand in hers, “Thank you.”

“I know you said you wanted time,” he said, crouching beside the couch as their fingers stayed entwined, “but I’m not going to completely abandon you, okay?”

“You’re too good for me,” she said with a small, forced smile, reaching her other hand to run through his hair.

“If anything, you’re too good for me,” he said, leaning to press a kiss to her cheek before standing again, “Shout me if you need anything.”

She nodded and he gave her hand a small squeeze before letting go and disappearing into the kitchen. She lay back on the couch, her head against the cushions as she closed her eyes, listening to the soft music that Derek had turned on in the kitchen and focusing on the sounds he made as he moved around. She fell herself being dragged back to sleep and she let it engulf her, feeling safe with just his presence in the next room.

* * *

Not hearing any noise from the living room, Derek poked his head round the door to see she had fallen back to sleep on the couch. It would be another half hour until dinner was ready so he sat back on the opposite end of the couch to Meredith as she slept, turning the tv on a low volume. 

As he watched the tv, he gently lifted Meredith’s legs to rest them across his lap, his hand caressing her lower leg absentmindedly as he watched a comedy he had found playing on one of the re-run channels. After a moment, he felt Meredith’s leg tense slightly under his touch and he turned to look at her, seeing her starting to wake up again. 

“I’m sorry,” he murmured softly, moving his hand away, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Not you,” she said with a slight yawn, her hand covering her mouth, “I haven’t been able to sleep, I keep waking up.”

“Dinner should be ready,” he said, lifting her legs gently so he could stand, setting them back down on the couch. 

“Thank you,” she said in a soft murmur, giving him a small, sleepy smile. 

“You don’t have to keep thanking me, Meredith,” he said, returning her smile and pressing a kiss to her forehead before heading back into the kitchen to plate up the food onto a plate for her. He took the plate through to her, passing it over as she sat up more on the couch now and took it from him. 

“I need to head back home, sort some things out. Call me if you need me, okay?” In reality, he didn’t want her to feel any pressure eating in front of him, so she could take it at her own pace. 

“Okay, I will,” she said, giving him a small smile, “I know you said to stop thanking you, but I keep wanting to say thank you.”

“If you want to keep saying it, then go ahead. Just know that there is no need,” he said as he headed toward the door, “There’s leftovers as well just in case. I’ll come and check on you tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay,” she said with a nod, “I’ll remember to answer my phone, so you don’t have to worry.”

“Thank you,” he said with a smile before leaving out her door, leaving her to eat her dinner. 

He hated that he had to leave her when she was clearly suffering, but he couldn’t sit and watch her all night. She’d said so many times about having her own independence and he didn’t want to impose or make her feel uncomfortable. 

He sent her a quick text for her to see when she went to bed before getting a shower and ready to sleep himself, although he found most of the night he was unable to sleep, listening out for Meredith.

* * *

_ “What are you doing?”  _

_ Meredith turned to see him standing behind the couch where she sat, a blanket tucked around her, having not moved from the couch all day. She could feel herself tense slightly, which didn’t help her aching muscles or the slight ache in her head she was still tortured with.  _

_ “Have you sat on the couch all day? You can’t be taking days off like this so close to your boards, Meredith, you’ll never pass.” _

_ His judging words bit through her, as much as she tried to ignore them. It was ironic really, how he judged her for having stayed off work when it was in fact his own doing that she was unable to go. She knew she should have just gone in regardless.  _

_ “Stop ignoring me, Meredith,” he said as he moved around the couch, pushing her feet off the couch so he could sit down opposite her.  _

_ “I wasn’t feeling well, I’ve just studied here all day, instead,” she said in a quiet voice, tucking her legs beneath her on the couch.  _

_ “Right. Well hurry up with dinner, I’m starving,” he said, paying her no attention now as he turned on the tv, to a volume that irritated her headache even more.  _

_ “Finn, can’t you make your own dinner tonight? I’m going to bed,” she said, a slight grumble to her voice as she stood up off the couch.  _

_ “Meredith, I’ve been in work all day. Don’t be difficult, just make dinner,” he said, his voice slightly stern with a warning tone.  _

_ She decided not to say anything more and just dragged herself into the kitchen to find something for dinner to make, not that she’d be having any of it. She’d felt sick to her stomach all day.  _

_ Just as she finished up with the pasta, stirring in the sauce with it in the pot, Finn joined her in the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of beer from the fridge before walking over to her, his arm circling her waist.  _

_ “You’re too good to me,” he murmured softly, his lips close to her ear, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek as he pulled the hair tie from her ponytail.  _

_ “Dinner’s almost ready,” she said softly, feeling an icy chill run down her spine as his fingers ran through her hair.  _

_ “Good girl, I’ll join you in the bedroom soon,” he said, lowering his lips to her shoulder with a gentle kiss, “I love you, baby.” _

_ “I love you too,” she said quietly, her voice wavering slightly. Just two more months. Two more months and she could leave. _

* * *

He had sent another text to her in the morning before he left work, and she replied to him just after midday asking for instructions on how to reheat the leftovers from the previous night which made him smile. Cristina had caught up with him, having not heard from Meredith herself and he confirmed she was physically okay, she just needed some time. He made a mental note to get Meredith to message her back. 

He’d picked up dinner on the way home this time, getting the pasta he knew she liked. He used the spare key he had this time to let himself in and called out her name. When he got no response, he set the takeaway bag on the kitchen counter before looking through the apartment for her.

After not finding her in the living room, he made his way up to her room, gently knocking on the slightly ajar door. When she still didn’t respond he stepped inside and found her asleep on the bed, tangled in the covers. Upon closer inspection, he would describe her more as passed out, signified by the half empty tequila bottle sat on the floor beside the bed. 

“Oh, Meredith,” he murmured softly as he moved closer, moving the bottle onto the nightstand as he crouched beside her. 

He caressed his fingers over her forehead, pushing back a few loose hairs and she stirred a little under his touch, groaning softly as her eyes fluttered slightly before squeezing shut and she turned away from him. His hand reached to gently squeeze her upper arm, and he stood a little, kneeling on the side of the bed. 

“Meredith, baby, wake up,” he murmured, lowering his head to press a kiss to her forehead, frowning a little at the smell of tequila. 

“Derek,” she muttered, turning her head to face him, her eyes opening slightly as she smiled wide, “You’re here again.”

“I’m here, I brought dinner from the pasta place you like,” he said quietly, moving more on to the bed as her hand grabbed at the sleeve of his jumper, kicking his shoes off. 

“I want you to hold me,” she murmured as she moved into his chest and his arms went around her, “I like it when you hold me.”

“Yeah?” He said with a soft chuckle, quickly coming to the realisation she was definitely still tipsy, if not drunk from the tequila. 

“Mhmmm,” she pressed a kiss against his neck, “Can I sleep now?”

“Of course you can sleep,” he said, pressing a kiss against the top of her head. 

“You’re in my bed, do you want sex?” She said with a soft giggle, looking up at him as her hand started to unbuckle his belt. 

“Meredith, no,” he said softly, taking her hand in his and moving it away from his belt buckle, “I don’t want sex.”

He instantly felt guilt at his words when she looked up at him with tears in her eyes, and when their eyes met she quickly turned away, burying her face into a pillow. 

“I’m sorry,” she murmured, and he could hear her soft sobs as she clutched onto the pillow, “You don’t.. I’m sorry, I’m so stupid.”

“Hey, hey,” he said, moving his arm over her and pulling her back against him, “You’re not stupid, and there’s nothing to be sorry for. I want you, Meredith, really, I do. But not now, not like this.”

“Why? Why?” She still sobbed as she turned into his chest, burying herself against him. 

“Because you’ve been drinking, Meredith, I don’t want to take advantage of you like this,” he murmured softly as he held her, his hand rubbing up and down her back. 

“I had to, I had to,” she said, interrupted by a slight hiccup, “I couldn’t sleep, the nightmares.”

“I know, let’s just sleep now, calm down, it’s okay,” he said, increasing his grip on her slightly as her words broke his heart. His fingers moved to run through her hair, but in an almost instant reflex, her hand grabbed his as her whole body tensed. 

“No, please, no,” she murmured, moving his hand away, “I need you to go, go!”

He watched in slight shock as she pulled away from him, unsure about the sudden change in her demeanour as she started to sob harder now, almost as though she was afraid of him. 

“It’s just me, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to,” he trailed off, not exactly sure of what he had done. 

“Derek?” She whispered softly through her sobs as they quietened, and her eyes opened wider to look at him, as though she was really seeing him now as he sat up in the bed. 

“I’m here,” he reassured her, watching her but keeping his distance still.

“I think I need to be alone,” she whispered softly again, closing her eyes as she lay down against the pillows, pulling the blanket up around her. 

“Okay,” he said with a nod, standing up off the bed and picking his shoes up off the floor. He glanced to Meredith whose eyes were still closed before looking at the tequila bottle, taking it without a second thought. 

“There’s food downstairs,” he said as he headed to the door, “Call if you need anything, I’ll be here.”

He headed down the stairs in her apartment, briefly contemplating whether or not to stay in her living room and wait for her, but deciding it was probably best if he left. He quickly went into the kitchen, looking through her cupboards for any other signs of alcohol. Satisfied he held the only bottle she had, he took it with him back to his apartment across the hall. He could at least make sure she wouldn’t drink on her own and potentially harm herself. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Grief may be a thing we all have in common but it looks different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life, it’s loss, it’s change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, it has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That’s how you stay alive when it hurts so much you can’t breathe. That’s how you survive. By remembering that one day somehow, impossibly, it won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much.**

* * *

When she woke again, her head was throbbing and she had an awful nauseous feeling in her stomach. She groaned softly as she rolled in the bed, cautiously opening her eyes and expecting the room to be filled with sunlight, only for it to be pitch black. 

She blinked a few times before reaching for her phone on the bedside table, squinting as she read the time. Four in the morning. No wonder it was pitch black outside. She unlocked the phone to find an unread message, from Derek. 

_Drink water, please._

Her heart stopped a moment as memories of the previous afternoon filled her mind. Derek was here. He came over and… oh god. She ran her hand over her face and slowly climbed out of the bed, grabbing her dressing gown and wrapping around herself. 

That’s when she realised, the bottle was gone. She looked around the room, under the bed, it wasn’t there. She went down to the kitchen, it wasn’t there either. He must’ve taken it with him. She felt… ashamed. It’s not like she was an alcoholic, she just needed help to sleep. 

She poured herself a glass of water, sitting on a stool at the island in the kitchen as she sipped it. She saw the bag of food on the side and furrowed her brow, getting up to investigate. _He’d got her favourite food. And she kept treating him like crap._

She felt a slight sob escape her lips that she couldn’t control and she covered her mouth, leaning back against the counter. She needed to see him, apologise. But it was four in the morning and she was sure he would be in work in a few hours and she didn’t want to disturb him. 

She took another sip of the water to try and help calm herself, taking it upstairs to the bedroom with her, grabbing some Advil on the way. She took a dose of the Advil, swallowing it down with the water and setting the glass on her side table. She walked over to the balcony doors, opening them up and stepping out into the cool night, embracing the fresh air. 

She looked over to Derek’s balcony, his doors closed and the curtains drawn, and she sat down on one of the chairs, watching the stillness and darkness of his apartment instead of the expanse of view there was. She needed to see him. She _wanted_ to see him. She’d made a fool of herself, though. He probably didn't want to see her again. The thought had tears falling down her cheeks again and she wrapped her arms around herself, going back inside the bedroom and closing the doors, then the curtains. 

She climbed back into bed, feeling sleep taking over as she curled up in the covers in the pitch black of the room. Before she could fall asleep, she grabbed her phone and sent a quick message to Derek. 

_I’m sorry._

* * *

After reading Meredith’s message and a phone call to Richard that morning, Derek decided to push the few surgeries he had today and pass off the more urgent ones to Nelson so he could stay home. He felt like he just needed to speak to Meredith, try and get her talk to him, to anyone. He just didn’t know how he was going to go about it. 

He kept his lounge clothes on, not bothering to get dressed, before heading over to Meredith’s. He knocked on the door at first, but after no answer used his key to go in. The apartment was quiet, and still, but he could see evidence of her having been awake at some point. 

He took himself to tidying around the kitchen, putting the uneaten food into the fridge to be reheated later on, hopefully. Just as he closed the fridge, he heard a movement from behind him and he turned to see Meredith standing in the doorway, frowning a little. 

“What are you doing?” She asked in a quiet, hoarse voice. 

“I’m just tidying around,” he explained, turning to continue to wash the few dishes in the sink, “How are you feeling?”

“I just needed some more water,” she said, coughing a little into her hand as she set the empty glass she was carrying on the counter, “Why are you here? Why do you keep coming back, after everything?”

“I told you I wasn’t leaving,” he said as he dried his hands, picking up her glass and filling it with fresh water for her, passing it back to her, “You’re hurting, and you need help, even if you don’t want it.”

“I don’t need help,” Meredith muttered and turned away, walking into the living room as Derek followed, keeping his distance, “I just need a few days and I’ll be fine, and I’ll be back in work.”

“Do you still not want to talk about it?” He asked in a softer voice, sitting across from her on the couch as she sipped her water. 

“Talk about what?” She asked, setting the glass down on the coffee table before tucking her legs underneath herself and wrapping her arms around her body, almost as though she were retreating into herself. 

“We could start with what happened at the hospital on Monday, what happened in the cafeteria before you came looking for me? What upset you?” He asked, watching her closely as he sat back on the couch. 

“I spoke with Addison, or maybe Addison spoke to me,” she started after letting out a short breath, “She wanted to _apologise_ . But there’s nothing to apologise for! I don’t want her guilt and I don’t want to talk about _him_ with her. She just wanted to absolve herself and I couldn’t take it, and after everything that happened with Ellis that day, I just, I couldn’t hold it together. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay to not be able to hold it together sometimes, it’s what I’m here for, what Mark and Cristina are for. We’re here to help hold you together, because it’s a lot at once,” he explained after listening to her words carefully, internally cursing his ex-wife for her need to make everything right. He knew her intentions were good, but it also wasn’t the time or the place. 

“I should be able to do this, though, push down the feelings, not think about it all,” she looked up at him now, unshed tears in her eyes, “It worked before, why not now?”

“Because now you don’t have to,” Derek said simply, reaching his hand toward her for support if she wanted it, letting her know the option was there. 

She hesitated a moment before moving a little closer to him, placing her hand in his. They stayed quiet as she contemplated his words, and then her head rested against the back of the couch as she sat facing him, their fingers now intertwined. 

“I can’t sleep without the nightmares, or flashbacks,” she murmured softly, looking down at their joined hands, “The tequila… helped for a little while. You took it away.”

“I know,” he said, gently squeezing her hand, “but I bet you feel horrible now, don’t you? I took it so you didn’t drink more and potentially hurt yourself while I wasn’t here.”

“I’m not a child,” she said with a frown, her hand pulling back from his, “I don’t need you looking after me, or protecting me, I can look after myself.”

“I never said that you were a child, Meredith,” he said, slightly confused at her sudden change in mood again, “We all need a little help sometimes.”

He watched as she looked at the wall behind them, as though she wasn't even in the room with him anymore, lost in her own mind.

* * *

_“Meredith!”_

_His voice echoed through the apartment, exacerbating the slight headache she had from drinking with Cristina last night to celebrate the end of their exams. She sat up in their bed, not mistaking the fact he hadn’t even been home last night when she got back around two in the morning, and this was the first time she was hearing from him._

_“Have you been drinking?” He asked as he appeared in the doorway, in his dishevelled shirt and jeans he’d presumably worn the night before._

_“I just had a few with Cristina,” she admitted in a quiet voice, trying to avoid an increase in his anger._

_“I told you not to drink without me,” he said, his voice still quiet but with a harsh edge to it as he moved toward her, sitting in front of her on the bed._

_“I’m sorry, I was just at Cristina’s and then I got a taxi home,” she may have been lying slightly but he wouldn’t know, right?_

_“And what if something happened with the taxi? I’d feel awful, baby. The world is full of creeps and I’m just trying to protect you,” he said, his hand resting on her upper thigh with a gentle grip as he spoke._

_“I know, I’m sorry,” she said again, leaning toward him a little as his other hand cupped her cheek._

_“Just don’t do it again, okay? I’m getting a good reputation now, we can’t let that get ruined this early on,” he said, leaning forward himself to press a kiss to her lips, his fingers sliding into her hair with a little too much grip, “Maybe it’s best if you don’t spend so much time with Cristina anymore.”_

* * *

“Cristina,” she murmured softly, “I had to stop seeing Cristina.”

“She asked about you yesterday, she was worried,” Derek told her, not sure why Cristina was being brought up after her moment of silence. 

“I couldn’t see her anymore,” she said, looking at Derek now, a few tears having escaped down her cheeks.

“Why not?” He asked softly, keeping his calm demeanour as he tried to get her to speak more about it, now realising she must have had a flashback of some sort. 

“I couldn’t drink, and I couldn’t see Cristina anymore because she would convince me it was okay to drink, but it wasn’t okay to drink, he said it wasn’t okay to drink,” she started to ramble a bit and he took her hand gently, trying to ground her again. 

“He was wrong, Meredith,” Derek said, and her gaze looked back to him again, having wandered to a spot on the wall. 

“You want to protect me,” she murmured softly and it finally clicked with Derek what had happened. He’d said the same thing. Protecting her. 

“I’m not saying you can’t drink, not at all. You can do what you want to do, Meredith. I’d just rather you didn’t drink half a bottle on your own and potentially fall down the stairs,” he said, his thumb gently rubbing over the back of her hand, “I just don’t want you to be alone.”

“I’m so tired,” she said softly, moving to him now, and his arms moved around her as she lay against him, between his legs on the couch. 

“Go to sleep, I’ve got you,” he said quietly, pulling the blanket off the back of the couch and laying it over the both of them. 

“You help with the nightmares,” she murmured as she buried her face against his chest, “You help.”


	6. Chapter 6

**What's important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning. But it's also important to remember that amid all the crap are a few things really worth holding on to.**

* * *

He hadn’t even realised he’d fallen asleep until she started to stir in his arms, waking him up. His arms pulled her up a little, closer against him as she buried her face against his neck. 

“Hey,” he murmured softly, “feel better?”

“Mhm,” she nodded against him, “I haven’t slept that well in a long time.”

“I think it helps when you talk,” he mused, finding her hand with his and giving it a gentle squeeze, “Do you want something to eat?”

“Oh, the pasta. You brought pasta yesterday,” she said, looking up at him.

“I can reheat it for us,” he said with a soft chuckle, looking down at her. 

“Yes, good idea,” she said with a nod before laying her head against his shoulder again. 

“I think we need to set boundaries,” Derek said in a soft voice, “I think if I know what might trigger you, I can avoid upsetting you.”

She sat up a little, still sitting between his legs as she thought about his question. He watched her closely, his fingers caressing her upper arm a little which she didn’t seem opposed to. 

“That’s nice,” she said with a small smile as she looked down at his hand, covering it with her own and entwining their fingers, “I think it’s more, when I don’t know it’s happening. I don’t like feeling on edge.”

“Okay,” he said with a small nod, “When I touched your hair last night, that upset you, and I noticed you always have it tied up.”

“Hmm,” she hummed softly, lifting his hand to the end of the plait in her hair as she spoke softly, “He would untie my hair, say it looked better down, constantly run his fingers through it when he was… making excuses.”

“Is it okay if I touch your hair?” He asked with a slight frown, not having realised before how much this would have affected her. 

“I trust you, when I know it’s you,” she said softly, looking at him now, “I might flinch sometimes. I know I do that, but I’m trying.”

“I’ll remember that. And just so you know, you can wear your hair however you like,” he said, pressing a kiss against her forehead, “Maybe instead of leftovers I could take you somewhere to eat? Get you out of the house for a bit, if you wanted.”

“Can we do that tomorrow, after work?” She asked, a small smile on her lips, “I think I could go with you tomorrow. Wait, aren’t you supposed to be in work now?”

“I took the day off, it’s okay,” he said with a warm smile, “and if you want to work tomorrow, you can work tomorrow.”

“Good, okay,” she said with a nod before climbing off the couch, “I’m going to take a quick shower and then we can eat.”

“Okay, I’ll get dinner ready,” he said, standing up as she left the room and he headed into the kitchen. 

* * *

Derek had spent the night again, only leaving briefly after dinner to get his things for work the next day and to take a quick shower. Nothing between them went beyond him holding her, helping to keep the nightmares at bay. She knew he wanted more, and she felt awful not being able to give him more, to use him like this. 

“I’m going to go see Dr Wyatt today,” she said, her voice quiet and a little unsure as he pulled up in the hospital parking lot. 

“I think that’s a good idea,” he said to her, giving her hand a gentle squeeze before they both got out of the car. They walked side by side into the hospital, where Meredith knew she’d have to go see Richard, and she needed to speak to Cristina, to assure her that she was okay. 

“Do you want me to come and see Richard with you?” He asked her as they stepped into the elevator. 

“No,” she shook her head a little, her lips pressed together a moment before she started speaking again, “It will only take a moment, and you have to go make sure Nelson didn’t burn the department to the ground.”

“You make a valid point,” he said with a soft chuckle, “I’ll bring lunch to your office?”

“Good idea,” she said with a nod, “Let me know when you’re on your way.”

“I will,” he said as they stepped off the elevator, ready to part ways, “Message if you need me, or just come find me, okay?”

“I will,” she repeated to him with a nod and a small smile, “I’ll be okay.”

“I know,” he said with a small grin before they went in opposite directions, Derek to his office and Meredith on her way to see Richard. She was sure today was going to be a long day. 

* * *

She was on her way to Derek’s office, having received his page to meet him there. The morning had been easier than she initially expected. She’d spoken to Richard and assured him she was okay to be back in work, and he’d even invited her to join him on a surgery that afternoon. She then spoke with Dr Wyatt, arranging a time for them to meet and start up her therapy sessions again since they had stopped a few weeks back when Meredith got busy with her clinical trial, and had also maybe been avoiding Wyatt. 

As she approached Derek’s office, lost in her thoughts, two hands grabbed her shoulders, making her jump with a slight yelp and instinctively kick her leg back at the person. She spun around quickly, her hand over her mouth as she realised what she had done. 

“Christ, Meredith!” Mark exclaimed, his hand covering his crotch as he knelt to the floor. 

“Oh, Mark, I’m so sorry,” she murmured, still feeling the shock from his initial sneak up on her, her breathing heavy. 

“What in the world is happening here?” Derek asked as he walked out of his office, taking in the situation in the hallway outside his office, “Are you okay, Meredith?”

“Yeah, I may have kicked Mark,” she said, looking at him with slightly wide eyes, “He came up behind me, and yeah.”

“She’s got a powerful kick there,” Mark said in a strained voice still crouched on the floor. 

“Maybe you shouldn’t be creeping up on people,” Derek said with a soft chuckle as his arm went around Meredith, gently pulling her against him, “Maybe get an ice pack or something.”

“I’m really sorry, Mark, really I am,” Meredith said, still cringing slightly from her instinct reaction. 

“How’s your morning been otherwise?” He asked Meredith as they went into his office, Mark hobbling behind them. 

“Not too bad, I’ve just been catching up with patients and clinical trial stuff,” she said, sitting down on the couch. 

“Good, I’ve just got out of surgery, want to hear about it?” He asked, sitting beside her and passing over a salad box he had picked up for from the canteen. 

“Do we have to?” Mark complained, sat in the chair across from them, “I actually had something to talk to Meredith about you know.”

“Oh, right,” Meredith said, looking up at him, “What was it?” 

“Lexie asked about you,” Mark said, “she wants to meet up with you.”

“Why would she want to do that? I explained everything to her at the time, I don’t do family. I’m happy that you guys are doing whatever you’re doing but I just don’t have time, or whatever,” she said, almost all in one breath. 

“Have I missed something?” Derek asked, looking between the two of them as he opened his salad box.

“Lexie is too shiny and happy for me,” Meredith concluded, stabbing a bit of salad with her fork, “and just because we have the same father does not mean I am obligated to be a sister, or whatever.”

“She means well, Meredith,” Mark said, watching as she nibbled at the salad. 

“Wait, Lexie is your sister?” Derek asked, apparently not knowing this before. 

“We share the same father. The same one who abandoned my mother and I when I was five and made a whole new family,” Meredith explained, “We are not sisters. If I would describe anyone as my sister it would be Cristina.”

“I heard my name,” a voice sounded from the door, and Meredith turned to see Cristina walking in, sitting on the couch between Meredith and Derek, eyeing Mark, “What’s wrong with you?”

“Your sister here kicked me,” Mark said, playfully glaring at Meredith. 

“Good job, Mer,” Cristina said with a grin at Meredith.

“Back me up here, Cris. Lexie isn’t my sister, right?” Meredith asked, dragging her into the conversation now that she had joined them. 

“I think that whatever Meredith wants, Meredith gets, she can do as she pleases, and neither of you get a say in that,” Cristina said with a nod, grabbing Meredith’s water and taking a drink from it. 

“I didn’t even say anything,” Derek said with a roll of his eyes as he continued eating his lunch. 

“Hey, I’m just the messenger here,” Mark said, holding his hands up defensively, “I was just saying.”

* * *

“Ready to go?” Derek asked as he stood in the open doorway of Meredith and Cristina’s shared office. 

“Almost,” Meredith said, glancing up at him with a smile from where she was typing away at her laptop. 

“What are you working on?” He asked, taking a seat in the chair opposite her desk. 

“I just need to finish this last sentence so I don’t lose my train of thought,” she said in a quieter voice, concentrating on what she was typing. After a few more moments of typing away, she closed the laptop and met his eyes with a small smile, “I’m ready to go.”

“Did you still want to go somewhere for dinner?” He asked as she packed away her things into her bag and put her coat on. 

“I’m shattered,” she said, covering her mouth as she yawned a little, “Can we just pick something up on the way back? I was in surgery with Richard all afternoon.”

“That’s fine by me,” he said, walking out of the office with her and waiting while she locked the door. 

They walked side by side out to the car in a comfortable silence and Derek was soon enough driving them both home. Meredith stayed quiet during the ride, staying in the car when he went to pick up the food they’d ordered ahead for. 

“Are you okay?” Derek asked as they approached their apartments. 

“Yeah, I just, do you wanna come over?” She asked, turning to him after opening the door to her place. 

“Of course, we can eat dinner together,” he suggested, following her inside and heading to the kitchen to get plates for their food. 

“Thank you, Derek,” she said, watching him, “for everything.”

He turned to her, slightly caught off guard and set the plates down, approaching her with his arms out to embrace her. She moved into his arms and buried her face against his chest as his arms held her close and she moved her arms around his middle. 

“You don’t need to thank me, Meredith,” he said, resting his head on top of hers. 

“I know, I just,” she looked up at him with a small smile, “I really appreciate it. You’ve been a really good friend and I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you.”

“I mean, kicking Mark was a good start,” he said with a soft chuckle and she joined in with his laughter. 

“I’ll never live that down,” she groaned softly, but laughing still as they embraced. For the first time in what felt like a long time, everything seemed like it would be okay. 


	7. Chapter 7

**When we follow our hearts, when we choose not to settle, it’s funny isn’t it? A weight lifts. The sun shines a little brighter and for a brief moment at least, we find a little peace.**

* * *

**A few weeks later.**

* * *

“Meredith?”

She looked up from the paper in her hands as she heard his voice, tears falling down her cheeks, a look of relief in her eyes. 

“ _ Meredith _ ,” he closed the door of her office behind him, moving to sit in the chair across from her desk, “What’s wrong? What is it?”

She lifted a hand to wipe at the tears, taking a breath, “I’m sorry, I, no I’m okay.”

“I’d probably believe you more if you weren’t crying right now,” he gave her a small smile, leaning forward with his elbows against the desk. 

She took another breath before laying the paper on the desk between them and spoke in an almost whisper, “I’m free.”

He furrowed his brow in confusion, noticing a glimmer of hope in her eyes, before looking down at the paper between them, “This is the confirmation?”

She nodded, “Yeah, everything’s been finalised.”

“That’s really good, Mer,” he told her, his hand reaching across the desk to hold hers, giving a reassuring squeeze.

This time, she didn’t pull her hand back from his. She needed this; she needed the contact with him. Their eyes met and she felt a rush of energy run through her, a boost of confidence almost. She stood up from the desk and walked around to him.

“I need to go speak to Wyatt,” she said, and he stood up to meet her as she walked around the desk. 

“Okay,” he said with a soft chuckle, raising an eyebrow at her, “Dinner tonight?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you at home and we can have dinner, and yeah,” she said with a grin on her face as she walked out the office, ready to go and see Wyatt.

* * *

She had built up the courage to do this the whole way home after her session with Wyatt and now that she was standing outside his door actually about to do it, a rush of nerves came over her and she was frozen to the spot, fidgeting with her fingers. She groaned inwardly and turned around, facing her own front door again as she completely changed her mind and was ready to go inside, forget the whole thing. 

“Meredith?”

Dammit. She turned as she heard his voice behind her and she forced a smile, seriously debating why she’d not just gone straight into her own apartment. 

“Hey,” she said in a quiet voice, unable to take her eyes from his curious ones as he watched her, his head tilted slightly. 

“Everything okay?” He asked, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed over his chest. 

“I just got back, from seeing Dr Wyatt,” she explained, her lips pressed together in a tight line. 

“Is she helping?” He asked, his brow furrowed slightly. 

“Yeah, actually, much to my initial annoyance, she’s helping,” Meredith said, biting her lip a little now. 

“Did you want to talk about it?” He said, stepping forward a little. 

“Can I come in? I mean, unless you’re busy,” she said as she also stepped forward a little, feeling some of her confidence from earlier coming back. 

“Of course,” he said with a smile, stepping to one side as he opened the door wider for her to join him, “Dinner will be ready soon, remember?”

“I didn’t forget…” she had definitely forgotten, “I just didn’t realise the time.”

She stepped inside his flat, realising she hadn’t even been back in his flat since they’d come back from Boston. She took off her shoes by his front door and went through into his living room, seeing he’d paused whatever he was watching, and she took a seat on the couch. He sat down beside her, his hand resting on her upper thigh. 

“Penny for your thoughts?” He asked as her hand sat on top of his, giving his hand a little squeeze. 

“I love you,” she said in a quiet voice, turning to face him, “I love you and I want to be happy, and I deserve to be happy.”

“I love you too,” he returned, his free hand lifting to cup her cheek, “and I want you to be happy, that’s all I want.”

“You make me happy,” she said, resting her forehead forward against his as she turned herself a little more on the couch to face him. 

“And you make me happy,” he said with a soft smile, nudging his nose against hers slightly. 

“I love you, Derek. I want to be with you, I really do want to be with you this time,” she told him, a grin spreading across her face. Tears started to fall down her cheeks, but this time they were tears of happiness, not of pain or distress.

“I love you too, Meredith,” he told her, and he pressed his lips against hers in a soft kiss, “and just in case you didn’t know, I want to be with you too.”

He lifted his other hand to cup the other side of her cheek, his thumbs wiping away at the tears on her cheeks as his lips returned to hers again, welcoming her soft and slow kisses. Her fingers tangled into his hair as she moved closer against him, one of his hands moving to her waist as they continued to kiss. 

Slowly, making sure she was okay with it, he moved them so that she lay back on the couch and he was hovering above her as they continued to kiss. He pulled back slightly as he heard a small laugh escape her lips and he raised an eyebrow at her. 

“What’s funny?” He asked, leaning to press a kiss against her jawline as her face turned to look at the tv. 

“Are you watching Pride and Prejudice?” She asked, looking back at him again. 

“Yes, I am,” he said with a soft chuckle, pressing kisses along her collarbone. 

“Do you get your hairstyle tips from Mr Darcy?” She teased, and he couldn’t help but laugh softly again as her fingers ran through his hair. 

“Hush, I enjoy the classics,” he said as his lips travelled up her neck and she tilted her head to the side slightly. 

She felt as though he was still treating her like glass, and even though he understood why he would be, she really didn’t want him to. 

“Derek,” she murmured softly, lifting his chin with her fingers so she could look at him, “I trust you.”

At her words, his lips pressed m firmly against hers, his fingers gently gripping at her waist. He slowly pushed her jumper up her body and pulled it off her as her hips lifted up against him and he groaned softly against her lips. 

“I want to take you up to bed,” he murmured against her lips, “but dinner is almost done.”

“I’d rather go to bed,” she grumbled softly, pressing a kiss to his lips again as she gently slid her fingers back into his hair with a gentle tug. 

“As would I, but we have to eat first, and I made enchiladas,” he said as he pressed soft kisses against her neck and she released a slight moan. 

“Damn, they're my favourite…” she said as she tilted her head back, closing her eyes.

“I know,” he said with a soft chuckle before pulling back, keeping one arm around her waist as he pulled her upright with him, “We have all the time in the world, though.”

* * *

Meredith had fallen asleep on the couch against Derek, his arms holding her close to him as she lay between her legs, a blanket draped over the both of them. She started to move slightly in his hold, almost as if she were uncomfortable, and he became considered that she was having a nightmare. 

He paused the tv and focused his attention on her, his hand gently rubbing up and down her arm. A soft whimper escaped her lips as her face buried against his chest, her hand clinging on to his top as tears spilled onto her cheeks. 

“Mer, baby,” he spoke softly, holding her closer to him and running the back of his fingers over her cheek as he tried to wake her, “You’re okay, wake up.”

She appeared to respond to his voice, calming down a little, her breaths becoming softer. He figured it would be best taking her up to bed, so he tried to wake her a little more to see if he could get her to cooperate in going upstairs. 

“Meredith,” he said in a louder voice now, gently squeezing her shoulder, “Wake up, baby.”

A murmur escaped her lips that he couldn’t quite comprehend as she stretched a little in his hold. He sat up a little, keeping hold of her and trying to get her to sit up too as she stirred a little more. 

“What are you doing?” She murmured, clutching on to him. 

“Time to go up to bed,” he said, pressing a kiss against the top of her head. 

“Hmm, okay,” she said, releasing a soft yawn and covering her mouth before stretching a little and sitting up more on her own. 

“You okay?” He asked, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear that had come loose from her ponytail. 

“I had a nightmare again,” she said in a whisper with a slight frown. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked, his arm sliding around her middle as he pressed a kiss against the side of her head. 

“No,” she said with a slight shake of her head, “Not right now.”

“Okay,” he said, tightening his arm around her slightly as he pulled her closer against him, “Let’s go up to bed then, hm?”

She simply nodded without another word, getting up off the couch with a slight stretch of her back and tilting her head side to side as he also stood. They went up the stairs together, and Derek didn’t miss Meredith’s slight pause as she let him go up the stairs in front of her but he didn’t question her about it. He passed her one of his night shirts to wear to bed before he changed his own clothes, wearing only pyjama bottoms.

They both climbed into his bed and lay side by side, facing each other, close enough to touch without touching. Derek was waiting for Meredith to make the first move. That was the agreement. This was all being done on her terms. He wouldn’t deny that he was impatient to touch her again, to show her how much he loved her, how much she was wanted. He’d made a promise to her, though, and he definitely wasn’t about to break any promises to her. 

“What are you thinking about?” She asked in a soft voice, her eyes trying to read him. 

He gave her a small smile as he spoke, “Impatience and promises.”

She laughed softly, and the sound filled him with joy. He loved it when she laughed, even more so when he’d had a hand in creating the laughter. 

Her own thoughts followed a similar path, although constantly diverted to thoughts of the kiss they’d shared earlier that day, before dinner. The feeling of his lips against hers, his hands touching her body. Even just the thought brought back the desire for him in the pit of her stomach and she wanted nothing more than to feel that again. Knowing that he was as impatient as her helped in a sense, and she was glad he hadn’t forgotten about the promise he’d made to her days before. 

_ We’ll take this at your pace, I promise.  _

Part of her wanted him to pounce on her, the thought of which had her involuntarily biting her lower lip, and the other part of her was scared of falling into a panic attack and pushing him further away. She didn’t want to be away from him any longer. 

“What are you thinking about?” His voice pulled her out of her thoughts, realising she was biting her lower lip and instantly releasing it as she thought a moment about how to answer his question. 

“Kissing and... pouncing,” she breathed out softly. 

“Kissing, hm?” He raised an eyebrow at her, “That’s something I can help with, you know. However, I wouldn’t be opposed to the pouncing.”

She found herself gravitating towards him, shuffling closer so that his arm was now situated underneath her, their lips were mere millimetres from each other, and she mumbled softly, “I remember. I like the kissing.”

He murmured softly back in response, “More kissing, I say.”

“Me too,” she said in a whisper before gently pressing her lips against his, her hand reaching to his and placing it on her hip as their lips danced together, she murmured softly, “I like it when you hold me here.”

He leaned into the kiss as his hand slid up her side, bunching up his t-shirt that she’d worn to bed, revealing only the lace panties she wore beneath. His hand moved over the bare skin of her waist with a gentle grip, murmuring back on her lips, “Like this?”

She responded by pressing her lower body into his gently with a soft moan, able to feel him through the pyjamas bottoms that he’d worn to bed, which just spurred her on further as she felt the heat between her thighs ignite. Her leg moved over his to bring herself closer against him and she felt his soft groan vibrate against her lips.

Their lips parted as she caught her breath, but his didn’t leave her skin, leaving soft kisses in a trail along her jawline and stopping just below her ear with a soft whisper, “Tell me what you want.”

Her breath caught in her throat at the sensation of his warm breath against her skin, and she returned her lips to his in a deep kiss, her lips parting on his to allow her tongue to budge slightly against his. Her hand moved to grip his bare shoulder, her nails slightly digging into his skin as he pulled her close against him, eliciting another soft moan from her. She finally responded with a murmur on his lips, “I want you.”

With little effort, and both hands on her waist, he manoeuvred them so that he lay beneath her, her legs straddling him but their lips still connected, earning a soft gasp from her as he did so, but she only kissed him harder, her hips pressing down against him. She couldn’t remember the last time she felt like this, in control. She liked it.

Her hand moved to his and began to guide it lower down her body as she murmured again into their passionate kiss,  _ “Touch me.”  _

  
  



End file.
